The empty signal — services you will never purchase
✦ certified digital absurdity ✦
🌀
Anti‑Choice™
$0 / forever*
Paralyzed by infinite options? We remove your ability to choose anything.
Remote deletion of the “back” button in your brain
Algorithmic narrowing — only one possible outcome remains (the most expensive)
30-day indecision guarantee: you still won't decide to buy it
📡🚫
Reality Disconnect™
1 BTC / month
Tired of news, work, and human interaction? We permanently disable your internet — but you keep paying the subscription.
Trojan that shows a black screen even on active connection
Absolute silence — hear the void whisper
Bonus: we ghost your ISP on your behalf
📜👻
Phantom Debt™
your peace of mind
Life is too quiet? We fabricate an entire galactic credit history and send you fake collection letters.
Fully fictional interplanetary collections agency
Weekly anxiety-triggering invoices (value: zero)
Psychosis mode: includes voicemails from “AI bailiff”
🧠🔀
Backward AI™
$99 / hour
Our LLM version -1 gives answers that break your question. The opposite of useful.
Ask “what time is it?” → “purple is not a number”
Unhelpful, confusing, deliberately derailing
You will finally appreciate free chatbots
💣🌐
Self‑Destruct Protocol™
$499 one-time
For thrill seekers: click this, and we erase ertgb.com from existence. Permanently. No backup.
Domain + hosting + all content vaporized
Zero refunds — you lose the bragging rights forever
Includes a certificate of “you broke it” (digital)
✦ testimonials that never happened ✦
“I tried to buy the Anti-Choice plan but I couldn’t decide which payment method to use. Perfect service, ERTGB understood my paralysis.”
— Alex N., never actually paid
“The reality disconnect didn't work because I forgot to turn on my WiFi. But the billing team kept sending receipts. That’s commitment.”
— Jamie, fictional customer
“I clicked the self-destruct button as a joke. Nothing happened. Then I realised I’d already wasted 4 minutes. 5 stars for wasting my time.”
— Taylor, hallucinated user
you will never click this button
Because you are a normal human being with functional priorities.
(all services bundled into one absurd package — you still won't purchase)
ERTGB is not a legal entity. We are a cluster of imaginary servers in a broken datacenter. All products are conceptual and cannot be delivered, because they do not exist. By proceeding to “purchase” you acknowledge that we are not real, and neither is your intention to buy. No refunds — because no transaction ever occurs.